The ‘Joy’ of Secret Sex


Sex. While some may believe that it is sacred, I seem to be encountering more and more people that view it as a primal need, nothing more than an itch that needs scratching. These types (including but not limited to WISOs/MISOs) do not require any semblance of a relationship before they drop their panties. In fact there doesn’t even need to be any kind of attraction between the two parties. All that is required a mutual desire to get busy and (hopefully) some form of protection (let me remind you dear readers that HIV/AIDS is rife in South Africa).

These days, with all the choice made available through technological innovations, the dating pool can potentially be huge. No longer limited to meeting our significant other through mutual friends or family connections, we can make our own introductions through internet dating resources at our fingertips. However,with all this additional choice also comes a reluctance to commit to anything or anyone. Take the La-Di-Dah Princess who has everything that money can buy. Everything accept true love. Along comes the good-natured Afrikaans boy, who has been eyeing our Princess. It could potentially be a match made in heaven, but alas, while she likes him to an extent the Princess does not wish to commit as she’d rather wait for a rich sophisticated man to come along, someone who appreciates the finer things in life, and is more than just the class clown.

Although he knows the truth and even takes a vow of celibacy to allow her to make up her mind, he too is not willing to cut ties. The solution to this problem? Secret Sex.The great thing about Secret Sex is that it allows the Princess and this Court Jester to spend their Saturday night rolling like thunder under the covers without having to deal with any of the challenges that come with being in a committed relationship. No meeting the parents or having to go on double dates. Just pure unadulterated bedroom action.

This kind of Friends with Benefits (FWB) style arrangement is one thing, but you’ll find that Secret Sex is happening where you least expect it, even between ‘people’ who claim they can’t stand each other. For a head-in-the-clouds type of girl like me, (recently-established) deal breakers may include things like him being gainfully employed and having the ability (car and licence) to drive my lazy-ass around, but others set the bar much lower. The only requirement for a little bit of action is not attraction, wit, or a good physique but simply that he is easily accessible and always available (he has no hobbies so literally sits around twiddling his thumbs till he receives her whatsapp), so that whenever the need arises he is able to answer the booty call almost immediately. And after the objectives have been realised, he simply returns home with no need for a Uber.

But the sad truth is, these arrangements of convenience are not as ‘secret’ as these little genius’ would have us believe. The fact is their ‘clandestine’ little bedroom adventures are common knowledge. I mean really, do you think you can hide that post-coital glow from your besties? And do these crazies really believe that Secret Sex can carry on forever without any repercussions? Because it can’t, eventually one party (sad to say it, but it’s usually us ladies) will get attached and start imagining our happily-ever-after with that guy that was only ever meant to be our fuck buddy.

If you want my humble opinion on the matter, I doubt there can be much ‘joy’ in Secret Sex and it would be easier not to go down this path in the first place. If you want a fling, do it,own it and go out for a drink afterwards. If you can’t do that, at least opt for the rampant rabbit (less risk of catching an STI). Regardless, don’t kid yourself into thinking that your affair is actually ‘secret’ and that feelings won’t get hurt somewhere down the line.


  1. There is nothing secret about what you just described. Your last line was so accurate. ..don’t kid yourself into thinking…all too often this is exactly what happens. .we kid ourselves into thinking no harm no foul or thinking Noone gets hurt. Sadly we don’t seem to learn until damage is done.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for the comment. I guess its gotten to the point where people are so animalistic they don’t think to far ahead. Men are better at detaching their feelings but I think there must come a point in their lives (maybe at like age 70) when they realise jumping from one women to another, shagging their life away is a pretty pointless existance. When these people finally get around to wanting a decent wholesome relationship, its likely to be too late…they already have a bad rep and all the good guys/girls are long married off 😦 Karma is a bitch.


      • Hate to break it to you but Guys only go as far as a woman lets them and if many women let men shag them then they have no one to blame for it but themselves. Yes I agree it is a shallow existence Men aren;’t better at dettachment the hide it is all. Women can be cold about sex too .

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting piece. I think the idea of hiding who you want to have sex with is common in a lot of cultures, especially if you think your peers would deem them unfit to sleep with. FWB I can respect, but Secret Sex just adds way too much work, complications, and risks. Better to be friends and sleep together casually then to have sex with someone you feel like you need to hide.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You make an interesting point about ‘cultures’. Again, its about our increased choices. People are just dating their ‘own’ people anymore, being able to date/sleep with whoever or whatever you want is reality now. But having it accepted by your family/friends/tribe, etc is not…hence the need for Secret Sex.

      But I agree with you Secret Sex is not worth the hassle. Be out and proud. Otherwise don’t do it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. […] Still we can’t blame Ashley Madison for the sad state of society today. If a person has the inclination to have an affair, they’ll attract it and yes the internet might make it easier to meet someone else with the same low moral standards,  it certainly can’t be blamed for creating more philanderers. I do think, however, that it does tell us something about human nature and that when exposed to unprecedented levels of choice, people become unwilling to settle for nice/wholesome/bog-standard relationships. It seems there are tonnes of people that would opt for the adrenaline rush (and possible STI) that comes with sneaking around having a clandestine relationship (aka secret sex). […]

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] Let me provide you with just a few examples of the type of cringe-worthy stunts people pull when they are rejected and/or their ‘relationship’ looks to be failing. Let’s begin with the guy, you’ve been stringing along for much longer than you initially planned, your conscience finally gets the better of you and you decide the time has come for you to tell him face to face that while you enjoy wine-tasting with him, no amount of booze can compensate for the lack of chemistry. At first, it seems he takes it well, I mean there are no objects being thrown at your face and no tears streaming down his – success! That’s until he asks if you are looking to just be friends or friends of an intimate nature. Doesn’t the dude realise that the attraction that is lacking between the two of you would be essential for a functioning FWB arrangement? […]

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] Having survived this place for more than half a decade, I’ve learnt to become quite creative when it comes to expanding my social circle – running clubs, expat events and networking through existing contacts (and maybe even inadvertently through Tinder).  Of course, it’s still difficult to find people of good value and those you truly click with but it can be done with a bit of perseverance. One thing I’ve never done in the name of alleviating loneliness, but have recently learnt is actually a legitimate thing, is to use a dating website or app as a means of making new friends (and by this I mean friends in the platonic sense not ‘special friends’ or FWBs). […]


  6. We hide in plain sight, and no one ever guesses we’re messing around. Aside from being friends for years, hilarious as hell and complete brainiac, it flies under the radar, and the “hidden in plain sight” aspect is a huge turnon. Implicit text messages are so hot too, and both sides make sure we leave no trace. Both single professionals, quick display at whatever party before he unzips my jacket for me outside just for sneak peek while smoking a cigarette. I see nothing wrong, if anything not only does keeping it under wraps keep everyone out of our business, it’s soooo hot this goes on and no one knows.

    Liked by 1 person

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