Biscuit Games and Beastiality : The Dark Side of the Posh Boy

Often girls, like myself, go on and on about looking for our Mr Darcy – a powerful alpha-male, well-groomed, eloquent, public school educated (in the Brit sense – because after all Mr Darcy was quintessentially British) and generally perfect in every way.  Sadly, ladies, I am here to shatter this fairytale image of the Darcy-type and tell you that the posh boy you’ve been fantasizing over for all these years has a dark side.

Lets begin by setting the record straight. There are actually very few Darcy-types in Britain (do you really think I would have run away as quickly as I did if there were?) and in most cases the average girl, like yours truly, hardly ever mixes in the right circles to meet such eligible aristocrats (most of the guys I had access to back in Blighty were closer to the chav end of the spectrum). Secondly, if you want to get your hands on a posh boy that will tell you at every opportunity where he went to school then you’ll find plenty of them in Cape Town. Seriously, I’ve been on dates with 40-somethings who’ve spent the whole time having a phat brag about their school (SACS, Bishops, Rondebosch Boys, etc … all names which mean very little to a girl from the East-End of London).

As much as these boys love to name-drop and reminisce about their school days, very rarely will they let you in on what went on during those wonder years. Just last week ‘The Biscuit Game’ came up in conversation, and the Tory jerk who brought it up wished to send me on a wild goose chase to find out the details. Spurred on by copious amounts of bubbles, I started terrorising all the posh blokes I know (actually, I mass-messaged all my Tinder boys – not just the posh ones – I am a girl on a mission after all). In the end, most of them were unwilling to divulge any information on this dirty little pastime of theirs (posh boy bro code it seems) so I had to turn to my good friend, Google. What I found was almost too much for my delicate mind to handle:

‘Soggy biscuit also known as ookie cookie, limp biscuit, wet biscuit, or cum on a cookie, is a male masturbation game reportedly played in schools where the participants stand around a biscuit masturbating until ejaculating onto it; the last person to do so must eat the biscuit.’  

Utterly disgusting.  Are the poor (actually, very wealthy) parents of these kids forking out thousands of pounds/millions of rands in school fees just so their pervy little sons can explore their sexuality? And it doesn’t just stop there. The foundations may be laid during their school days but these perverse activities carry on into the university years. Just look at the ultimate posh boy, Dave Cameron, allegedly having sexual relations with a dead pig (see SA, Jacob Zuma and his million wives isn’t that bad). Is there a point when these rich dudes run out of things/chicks to do that the have to resort to having fun with biscuits and farm animals? And does the communal nature of such sordid acts add legitimacy?

Some would put all this bad behaviour down to repression and lack of access to girls that comes with going to a private/boarding school. But I don’t agree, I spent my formative years at a girls-only school and I’d like to think of myself as a well-adjusted although somewhat prudish lady and despite the lack of male interaction, I have no knowledge of any of my peers needing to resort to enlisting the help of a dog and some peanut butter ;).

Anyway, I don’t have any answers as to why these posh toffs are the way they are and why they are into pig rituals and the like but I am just warning y’all to be careful. It’s easy to get sucked in by their charm (and I’m not saying you should date a chav – they too have their sex issues, i.e. having little understanding about the birds and the bees therefore creating too many illegitimate babies) because they are not as clean-cut and wholesome, as Jane Austen would have you believe Mr Darcy was.

Ok, Rinsers. Share your thoughts on #piggate, the biscuit game and the perverse nature of these posh boys in the comments? Or maybe you are a posh boy who thinks #englishrosiee was a bit harsh? Give us your insights in the comments below.