The Slow Burn

Slow Burn

We live in an age of instant gratification where we express a desire and expect it to be satisfied within seconds. Busy people don’t have time to waste – everything must be efficient and serve a purpose. Whenever we can multi-task (or double park) we will! When we get bored of our current play thing we just upgrade to a newer model …sorted! This is never more true than in the dating world where Tinder-style dating apps have made it easy for us to accept that belief that there are plenty more fish in the sea and if Mr X doesn’t satisfy our every desire then Mr Y and Z are just a swipe away!

I’m not knocking it. I’m a product of my time and I am well aware that I probably put an unhealthy emphasis on butterflies, foot-popping kisses and the kind of lightning bolt ‘love’ that makes one lose their mind. However, in my old age I am beginning to question whether my approach to finding Prince Charming is really all that effective.

I certainly won’t deny that an initial spark and basic level of attraction is necessary but in our rush to NEXT the dud candidates do we dismiss potential suitors who may have hidden attributes that aren’t necessarily apparent within the first 15 minutes of a date? In the good old days, before the advent of internet dating, (decent) people spent more time getting to know one another. Maybe it started off as a friendship which then blossomed into a beautiful romance…

I guess this old-school ‘slow burn’ approach to dating whereby you meet someone that you acknowledge is half-decent and invest sometime getting to know them before embarking on a relationship has its advantages. For starters, time should reveal a person’s true character and may also give you greater insight into any skeletons they may have hiding in the closet. Thus, if you do decide to get involved with the person you do so with your eyes wide open (maybe not fully but at least somewhat aware of their flaws).

Good things do come to those that wait, as they say. And maybe a long build up is a good thing. Have you ever found that those relationship that start off with electric chemistry tend to deteriorate quite quickly (usually after the novelty of having ended a sex drought has wears off!)? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always chased after crazy fireworks but maybe there is something to be said for having had to work for something. All that anticipation probably accounts for epic levels of sexual tension if/when things do eventually progress.

To conclude, we’ve seen a regression to an older, ‘slower’ way of doing things now in many aspects of our life. For example, the popularity of organic, home-grown food and craft beer as opposed to greasy low-quality fast food. We are starting to see that it’s not all about quantity and that quality can’t be rushed. So maybe it’s time to apply some of this type of thinking to our relationships – slow things down and stop dismissing potential future husbands/wives outright because they simply fail to meet one of your arbitrary deal breakers. This way maybe we can move beyond these no doubt extremely fun but somewhat superficial relationships (usually with bad boys which have a habit of ending in disaster) and opt for investing some time in something more meaningful.  I know constant reminders from our families, friends and society in general about our declining fertility and such don’t help but try to remember that there is life is more than a race to find happily ever after.

OK Rinsers it’s over to you. What are your thoughts on the slow burn relationship? Do you think we are have become too obsessed with butterflies and fireworks? Do we risk missing out on a good thing because we are in a rush to find ‘perfection’?  Answers and stories in the comments section below.


  1. My one cent- I think there is a “new slow burn” which is email and chat. In the old days it took telephone calls and first, second, third dates to get to know someone. And while there has always been the one night stand, I think the first, second, third dates have been replaced by the ability to correspond electronically. I’ve found that I can get to know someone quite well within a couple of days of email corrsspondence. This allows me to vet the “multitude of women” that are pining for my attention! (yes I say that tongue in cheek). Realistically some opening hello emails then a couple of deeper follow ups make it possible for me to know the person far better than I did on the first couple of dates in the old days. And that is such a time saver and “safe” way to find potential friends and lovers. Thanks for the article and questions! 🙂 – Mark

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks for your comments. That’s an interesting way of looking at things.

      Although I find the problem with long emails and chatting over messenger, etc is that sometimes you build up this image of someone before you meet them and then sometimes you meet them and despite the fact they are great on paper, there is a lack of chemistry in real life. I don’t think email correspondence can really compensate for real life interactions.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Interesting, I’ve found my experience to be just the opposite. Maybe its the questions I ask? I pretty much “know” the person much better over a week or two of correspondence than I ever did on the first couple dates. Maybe (horrifying thought) I’m one of those “great on paper” – leaves a lot to be desired in person …

        Liked by 1 person

      • I agree with you the problems with emails and texts is that you read them out of context of visual cues. You only know what the person tells you and to make a full picture your mind fills in the blanks from your own experiences making a false picture. Therefore you have imbued them with qualities or behaviour they do not possess, So many people fall in love with the correspondent of a long chat because you are not seeing the bad habits, their bad moods or possible incompatability because they don’t show you that side. Even in face to face meetings we try to show our best face in initial dates …it’s even easier by written communication.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Again I’ve had experience in both, the slow burn and the fast burn. While I do think some people are obsessed with butterflies and fireworks, wasn’t it always that way? Even in the old days, there were some people, men and women who wanted the slow burn, the courting and all that comes with it. Then there were some who wanted to jump right in. However, the slow burn was more popular and accepted. I heard my gramma years ago telling my aunt, after breaking up with her boyfriend, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.

    The only thing that has changed in relationship I’d say is that technology has broaden the scope of things. The menu is now a electronic cornucopia. Mr. Y can be traded for Mr. Z effortlessly at the click of the mouse. I know women who are dating 3-4 guys at a time. They say they’re not sexual relationships, that they’re just fishing the pond. I agree, life is more than finding that happily ever after. Unfortunately, life has also become more complicated. Women refuse to settle with anyone less that those who do not appease their appetite for perfection.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the last point you made is very interesting. I do think people these days strive for perfection which is definitely a little ridiculous…as I said if there something ever so slightly wrong with someone we are quick to dismiss them and move onto the next person….because we can! But I think the problem with that is one day we could wake up and find that there are so many eligible batchelors around anymore. ..who knows?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree. And I’m sure there will come a day where it would be difficult to find eligible bachelors, because as time wears one the mandates are not only becoming more ridiculous. But impossible to find in one person.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hmmm, I would say that polyamorous relationships are the way forward. I think people will accept the fact that NO one person, possess ALL the qualities they desire. We all have faults and going into a relationship, those faults must be accepted.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As I’ve gotten older, I have actually become more convinced that chemistry and attraction are absolutely key to a relationship’s success (for me). Obv they aren’t the only factor, but they are what keeps you wanting to keep talking, keep communicating when you are sick and tired of x about the other person. It’s far easier to give up when there isn’t that desire to be naked with the other person. Of course, someone with a lower sex drive could have a different approach or need. But I’ve tried too many times with guys I just was not super physically into and I give up on those as soon as anything arises that is problematic, even if they are great guys. But the ones that I am super attracted to…those are the ones I will fight and work to keep things going.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I get what you are saying…

      But I’ve also found that someone who is undoubtedly good looking becomes less attractive when there are issues between the two of you. But then again, attraction/chemistry is way more than just good looks.

      I guess it depends if you let real life practicalities get in the way. I guess the fight comes from both sides too.


      • Oh, of course appearance alone isn’t enough. But discounting basic attraction/chemistry too much creates its own set of problems IMO. For most people, sex is part of a relationship (for those who don’t care about sex, that’s a different situation). And it is usually important, unless the couple decides to have a sexually open relationship. I used to think it was mature to not elevate sex. Once I actually had some years under my belt, I realized that was just naivete. Sex is as important to me as anything else, but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with just anyone I have good sex with. But I also don’t want a relationship with just anyone who shares some/most of my values. It’s all impt.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Slow and easy wins the race …I am old school and come from the world of the slow burn where it took a month to get a girl’s name, a month to get her phone number and another month to get a date …she made you work for it. Now….quick quick quick and bam the relationship is over and on to the next quick quick quick …

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do think there is a lot to be said for the old fashioned way of doing things. Although there are flaws in those relationships (people stayed in unhappy relationships just to avoid gossip, etc), I don’t think the modern day way of doing things is proving all that successful either.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The only rush is what we put on it meaning a relationship. The one I keep seeing in your posts is this need to pounce on the prince charming and happily ever after…stop trying to live up to that. Just find someone you can love and can love you back.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think there’s a difference between slow burn which I find to be beneficial for long term relationships and partnerships and no burn. Sometimes you know a person is just not right and that’s why you’re not allowing your emotions to take over. Other times you know it seems right and you keep saying “I want more” without rushing into anything and allowing things to happen naturally. I saw someone Facebook status recently saying that throwing a coin to decide about something is a great thing because the moment you throw it you start to hope for one of the results. I think it’s very similar with our intuitions about people.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. In the old days,…my….you went out with somebody and had a few dates if you liked them. Instead of the internet or Tinder you went to a dance, the pub or a sporting event in the hope you would pull. You went out with somebody that you had no idea about so those dates were a big learning curve …if there was nobody else on the horizon you might persevere with somebody. Lust sex and attraction were still there but more the elephant in the room…nice girls didn’t have sex with men they didn’t know very well…and so females didn’t tend to go out (on the whole) twin the expectation of a sexual experience …it wasn’t how things were done …and that’s changed with the internet and a change in sexual attitudes.

    I think what is happening now, there is becoming a misunderstanding between having sexual fun and have a fulfilled long term relationship….And the part in any relationship when the sexual part stops being the imperative and becomes the slow burn…as it always does. t
    That sexual rush is that hormone oxytocin making us behave in certain ways.
    When sex is less important that’s the time to reevaluate the relationship….is this person fun do they make you laugh…do you communicate well, are they caring, do you smile if they contact you….then you start to build the foundations of a long term relationship….
    If the buzz and the tingle isn’t there at the start….it’s probably a no go because… it lessens you have to work to keep sex exciting in the long run, so you have to want to do so….if sex isn’t kept exciting one or other will stray.

    New style or slow burn.Both end in the same place…it’s a question of whether you are on the trail of sexual excitement or looking for the right long term relationship and if it’s the latter…other character attributes become important.
    None of us is perfect ….it’s finding the person that you can work with to build the perfect relationship with. Then mainly to do do that we have to work on ourselves to become open to possibilities!


  8. Touch my mind move within
    Imagine your breath on my naked skin
    Emotional and physical needs so new
    Nerve endings raw from wanting you
    Should I walk, the straight, or crooked path
    Will precipitate action, ruin the aftermath
    Do I want you to be a fling
    Or are you a finer option, my queen, to your king
    Would traditional courting add enough spice
    Or in the internet age would it suffice
    Instant gratification might hold sway
    Could there be another way
    Questioning the act of parted thighs
    Until I stare into your eyes

    Inspired by your post slow burn

    Liked by 1 person

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