The Talkers – The Online ‘Daters’ You’ll Never Meet IRL

With over a year of online dating under my belt I was starting to think of myself as a bit of an expert. From Silver Foxes and Cape Town’s  numerous Mama’s boys (maybe that’s why they call it the Mother City) to the FWBs and Rebound Guys – I convinced myself I’d seen it all and there were no more nasty surprises that the big bad world of dating could pull on me.  But that was until I ‘met’ the TALKER.

The Talker : The online ‘dater’ who engages in prolonged email or WhatsApp conversations with no intention of ever meeting up with potential suitors IRL (In Real Life).

Despite the fact that I had heard plenty of Talker horror stories, I still managed to find myself sucked in by one. He was considerably better looking than average OKCupid troll, his spelling and grammar were excellent (a huge ask these days) and he had the ability to hold a engaging conversation (well,online at least). Oh, and he claimed to be a VERY BUSY medical doctor ( so you can’t blame a girl getting carried away thinking of George Clooney in his ER days).

Anyway, Dr Ross promised me we’d meet after his exams were over and being a reasonable young lady I figured it was a fair request. But two weeks went by and still no sign of said date. Fed up and disillusioned, I decided the best course of action would be to ghost the socially inept fool. Sadly he didn’t get the hint so I told him straight about my approach to dating. He eventually confessed to being a Talker and told me that I’d only end up disappointed if I met him IRL because he gets stage fright around new people. Whatever, I am not interested in attending any pity parties.

Before this little episode I had assumed that everyone using online dating platforms was looking for real human interactions but I was proved wrong. It seems that there really are people out there that are just after a virtual ‘relationship’. In fact, there are stories of some such ‘relationships’ lasting for years.As much as this behaviour baffles me I figured there must be logical reasons for the existence of the Talker. Here are the reasons I’ve narrowed it down to:

Socially Awkward

Like the Talker in my story, there are people out there that have trouble interacting with fellow humans. Sitting behind a computer screen offers them a form of protection and allows them to put on a confident facade but having to meet someone face-to-face would just end in a meltdown. Fair enough – but they should be seeking professional medical help for their lack of interpersonal skills instead of wasting precious time.


Exploring alternative options

If your relationship is on the rocks its natural to look elsewhere. You’d expect most philanderers to make a B-line straight to  Ashley Madison but not everyone is that sure of themselves or their ability to cheat. Using legit online dating platforms may seem like a softer option and a good way to test the waters and check out if the grass is really greener on the other side.

Looking for an ego boost

Life has a habit of knocking us down. So sometimes its natural to look seek some attention just to boost our egos. Pretty people or those with a glittering personality can simply go out and find other humans that will laugh at their jokes and flirt with them, which in turn will boost their confidence and leave them feeling like they can handle anything the world throws at them. Then there are others who need to use the internet, create fake identities in order to create the same effect.

Free Therapy

We all have issues. Some us have good friends and family that we can talk to. Others are willing to fork out for a professional therapists.There are occasions when one can utilise a random Tinder boy as a sounding board (guilty as charged!) but at least have the decency to do it person. Talkers know that there are Mother Hens out there that are looking for a pet project to take care off and they’ll take advantage of that for as long as can.

Cat Fish!

Remember not everyone is who they say they are. That cute guy with the dimples you’ve been sharing your innermost thoughts with could just as well be a spotty teenage perve sitting behing a computer in a remote Indian village! It may be relatively rare but beware of the catfish – very few photos or being generally vague should be seen as red flags.

So, my advice when it comes to Talkers is to avoid them. Unless of course you’ve got a lot +of time on your hands in which case maybe you should just find some hobbies. I’d say limit yourself to 1-2 weeks of chit chat online. If they are decent people they’ll make a plan to meet for a drink in a public place as soon as possible (I’ve had dates on the same day as being matched with the person!). Its only when you meet someone IRL that you’ll know whether there’s any chemistry and the longer you let the virtual relationship carry on the greater the risk of you falling in love with a fairy tale character that only exists in your imagination.

Now over to you Dear Rinsers. Do you have any Talker experiences to share with us? Are you reluctant to meet people offline or are you a fan of getting the first date over a done with? Do you have any advice/tips on how to spot a Talker? Answers in the comments section below. 







  1. I think you touched on it before. Talkers find it easy to say anything on line because…who is going to know if they are real or not. It could be a kid hacker running up on someone’s credit or debt card or it could be a perv in some remote part of the world who stole someone’s identity like you see on Dr.Phil. I agree a reasonable time should be given to see if the two of you will meet but if not time to run away. Don’t give out any personal information either.Dont send any money with the promise of the two of you meeting…not going to happen. Everyone eventually shows you who they are…pay attention.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Talkers are just like the people who post anonymous comments on websites – they are strong behind a computer screen but IRL they buckle. I haven’t experienced one yet but I think you are correct in your reasons why they exist. Great post

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I can’t comment on talkers on online dating as I have never done online dating other than to say I am amazed that people would pay to have a profile on a dating site with the idea if just chatting seems bizarre.
    My experience revolves round the talkers and also the pervs that lurk on the internet and chat. A few of them are angling for a meet for sex lots of them trying to hit on older women. Then there are the group that want to sex chat and get to get intimate pictures.
    I have met a few of those whilst playing games on line and some have little finesse.
    I think if you are on a dating site you want to date, I wouldnt object to some talk to guage if a date was really worth it. But as you rightly say , behind the computer it could be anybody and they can present a perfect image. Nowt so queer as folks.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Lol !! Yup, the internet really is full of misguided fools. Whatever their intentions they should be willing to meet up. Even the ones who are after a quicky! People must be very lonely if they need to turn to the internet for someone to chit chat too.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lots of women are…or stuck in unsatisfactory relationships and want some romancing etc and it starts off fun.
        The men I think some of it is about hunting and wooing without the responsibility. Its also great for their egos.
        Its probably also more satisfying or even exciting to wank over chat and pictures of the real person rather than porn even if its only cyber rather than real.
        I did a lot of research for the book and its amazing how hooked people get and how stupid they can be during talk.
        You are right the only satisfactory relationship is one that includes a meet.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know how people do it! Online dating, that is… I have been fortunate (?) enough to not have had to consider it, but if the time comes that I am alone, I’m fairly certain I will remain that way in fear of what the online dating world has to offer.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Lol ! I agree the online dating world is a horrible horrible place and one you should stay far far far away from! The Talkers are the least of your problems. I call online dating Reject City but that is a story for another post all together.

      Liked by 2 people

      • The only ‘experience’ I’ve had with it has been laughing at responses some of the guys my friend showed me. You sometimes do have to give them credit for changing the subject from ‘Where are you from?’ to ‘Here’s a pic of my best asset. Let me see yours.’

        Liked by 4 people

  5. I have never had to use online dating sites. Online dating started in my teen years and by then I already had an idea of how to talk to the opposite sex. I’m not very good at approaching people or keeping a conversation going without help, but if I was single it was because I wanted to be. I had no interest in dating sites and I still don’t. I have learned more about how it works with having a friend who uses them. I was a bit taken back with the kind of things people will say. So much so that I felt like someone asking how I like my coffee was in some way meant to be a sexual question lol. Maybe it’s just because of the generation I grew up in and in some ways I still like the “old fashioned way” of doing things. I’m not against people using them, but I’d rather get to know someone face to face without the possible lies in text messages or IMs. After all, you can read expressions and body language in person. You can’t read a person by the way they type.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lucky you!!! Online dating is not something I would wish upon anyone! Truly horrific.

      You have a good point about the importance of body language, etc – that’s why I usually don’t allow things to stay offline for too too long.


  6. Again, you need to give up the online dating thing and charge for your services. LOL! LOL!
    I think online dating is more convenient for someone who may not have time for the bar/pub hopping scene. But it also gives anonymity to persons who don’t have the courage to say in person what they can say online. Whether they’re shy or simply cowards, the internet acts as a barrier for them to unload on unsuspecting persons on the other side of the screen. Have you done the speed dating thing as well? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I took a 2 month online dating hiatus and its so hard to find an organic date that I felt the need to go back to REJECT CITY for another try. I often get disillusioned with what the world of online dating throws at me BUT its a choice between getting back on the horse and searching for happily ever after or settling for spinsterhood.

      I’ve never done speed dating but maybe I should give it a try


      • KML@ Reject city! LOL! Maybe you should also broaden your dating pool, or have you done that already? I mean check out dating sites around the globe, though every country has it’s share of Looney Tones, some maybe more tolerable than others? 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • I moved overseas for love once. I don’t plan on doing it again. I’m older, wiser and quite frankly lazier – so I’m only entertaining the ones that are withing driving distance.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, first! Never do anything for love other than get married and have kids. In my opinion if the guy loves you enough, he’ll move to you 😉 Secondly, relationships are a lot of work, so you can’t be lazy.

        I’d say give it another try with the overseas hunt, maybe you’ll be lucky and find someone who will move to you. Wishing much blessing in your hunt for true love. But to be honest, and I think I’ve said this before, love often comes when you least suspect it and when you stop running it down.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I started online dating when online dating was still in its baby shoes. 😀 So roughly *cough* 15 years. God I feel old. XD 90% of all my short or long or one-night-stands are from the great ugly Internet. Your post inspired me to share some of my own bizarre experiences some day on my blog. 😛 And about spotting a talker, usually if someone is reluctant to meet within a week after chatting online, I would move on. Life is short, ain’t nobody got time for that. And it doesn’t hurt stating just that in your profile and whatnot something along the lines of ‘if you have no intention to meet in real life, run along’. 🙂


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