Let me start by telling you why I’m so angry at the moment. Not too long ago I had my pretty face horrifically violated by a ‘bloke’ I thought I had successfully friend-zoned (clearly, I’ve lost the knack for that). My dear friend, the universe took this opportunity to confirm my suspicions about this suitors lack of experience (v-card status?!). Rinsers, I won’t traumatise you with minutae of this incident (#zlotybaby would murder me if we lost followers) but let’s say I’m sure there are teenagers that could have done better. What makes me most crazy mad is that if I were to get run over by a bus tomorrow, I would not be able to rest in peace knowing that this violation would be the last kiss I ever experienced. What a sad sad situation.
Look, I know it’s not easy. Only practice makes perfect. And if you haven’t had the chance to spend your teenage/student years falling onto faces you’ll really have had limited opportunity to master the art of kissing. Of course, in this age of consent there are also lots of other factors to consider? Do you ask or ‘read’ the signs? And what happens if you ‘read’ the signs wrong as in she is busy talking about exes because in her mind you are a friend but you read it as a sign to jump her because she hasn’t had much attention in a while? Can you test the waters without literally going in for the kill? Or will you just end up looking awkward?
So, in response, to my recent terrible encounter. I’m going to try break it down for the less experienced among you, in hope that you’ll never a) be victim to an experience like the one I encountered or b) won’t inflict this level of suffering on another human (because not even your worst enemy deserves it). Of course, there are no hard and fast rules. These things take time and EXPERIENCE helps. But here is a broad overview of different types of contact you could possibly initiate to test the vibe before you go in guns blazing and wake up with regretsies and who knows what else the morning after.
Sure, It’s not the most romantic of gestures but it’s possibly one of the safest options. Maybe it’s the Brit in me who doesn’t like unnecessary physical contact (as in seriously, does anyone other than a significant other really need to hug me? NO!). But yeah, I’m partial to a good strong handshake and not just in an interview. You see, I have this trick that I use whenever I want to see if a guy I’m into likes me back and it’s initiating a handshake. From my experience, no one who is into you would ever stand for this sort of ridiculousness. Either they’ll simply look at you with a facial expression that says WTAF? Or if they are Mr (or Miss) Smooth they’ll turn it around it one of those cheesy ‘royal’ hand kisses. (True story!).
The Air Kiss
I thought this sort of fabulousness only existed in the movies but I experienced it for myself recently. Sure, some people might say it’s a pretentious way to greet people but I say it’s hygienic … more people should do this! No physical contact is necessary and the sound effects are optional. Winner!
The Awkward Hug/Kiss on The Cheek
Another safe option but is it one, two or three kisses? Apparently, it depends on where in the world you are from. I don’t know that ins and outs of it…but it’s supposedly very European. It’s probably a respectful happy medium when you don’t know where the romantic encounter is going and sense the need to take things slow. In any case, you probably won’t get slapped for it.
The Forehead Kiss
So this one is a bit of a tricky one. Although, one of my dear friends recently called it a grand dad move, I think they are sweet and make it clear that there are romantic intentions in the mix while still being pretty PG13. However, (allow my inner height Nazi a moment here), this move should only be executed when there is an adequate height difference between you and the object of your desires because otherwise that kiss ends up landing somewhere other than the forehead and loses all its value.
And … The Foot Popping Kiss
Foot popping kisses are the things that fairytales are made of so only use them a) when you know you’ve got the skills and experience to do so successfully (having had a few relationships/other such encounters may help here) and b) are pretty certain that the other party is into you (just do your research!) and c) that the stars and the moon are aligned and you are surrounded by twinkly lights and all is well in the world. Remember the whole encounter needs to memorable for all the right reasons. And if you can’t be sure of that then just give up already.
To conclude, what’s in a kiss? Literally EVERYTHING. Your whole future is resting on it. If things work out you’ll be telling your grand kids about it. So, don’t take it lightly. A kiss is not simply a means to an end (NO dumbass, it’s not OK to stick your hand up her skirt 30 seconds after violating her face!). Sure, its an art that takes practice (practice which hopefully you got in your teenage years) but being observant also helps. As in, if you notice someone making a bee-line for the nearest exit take this as an indication that things did not go well and you need to work on your skills. As I enumerated above, there’s a number of ‘safe’ish moves you can make which can limit the risk of embarrassment should things not go to plan. Alternatively, you can throw all good advice out of the window and ask them straight ‘CAN I KISS YOU?‘. Sigh. And as much as I hate to admit it (because for me, it’s a romance killer) it might be the best option for some folk out there.
OK Dear Rinsers. What are your thoughts? Have you ever had a simple kiss go horribly wrong? Are there are any other moves you could suggest that would make the job of knowing if someone is into you easier? Sharing is caring so kiss and tell in the comments section below.