We all understand that there is an appropriate time and place to voice our personal, somewhat un-PC, opinions. Revealing you are a raging racist at your workplace won’t go down so well for most people. In fact, unless you are the President of the U.S of A, you’ll probably end up being fired for making such discriminatory comment on a public forum. However, there are also instances where I feel people not only have a right but, a duty, to be unapologetically honest about their feelings on important issues. One such place where we should feel free to say it as it is without fear of the repercussions (although inevitably there will be) is in our PERSONAL love lives.

Let me start with a little story for you. So after nearly 2 years roaming the tinderverse (and some wise words from #zlotybaby) I’ve attempted to take my own dating deal breakers more seriously. No longer do these important non-negotiable simply exist in the archives of my mind where they can conveniently sidelined when the next smoking hot member of #teamgod walks into my life. I finally decided to take accountability by putting pen to paper and declaring my deal breakers to the outside world on MY dating profile.

Sure, I understand there is a risk I may miss out some great experiences by openly ruling out any interaction with men over 30 who live at home with their mums, those with children and right wing bigots but this is a risk I am willing to take. Time is precious, especially for 30 something girl who is constantly being reminded of that ticking biological clock. In fact, I think everyone’s time is precious and I don’t intend of wasting years stuck in unsatisfactory relationships to find out somewhere down the line that the guy I’ve fallen for never intends on doing a job in his life because he is only after finding himself an Alpha Female or that he wants his children to go church every Sunday!

Sadly, not everyone appreciates my new honest approach to my deal breakers. For example, there was this one douche bag who started a conversation with me. It was going fairly well (well, anything that doesn’t begin with DTF is good these days) until he asked whether I would consider backtracking on one of my deal breakers. In hindsight, I should simply responded with a NO! But my slightly softer, more reasonable side asked him which one. He then went on to tell me about these kids he had spawned his reckless youth. Ugh. I eventually told him (what was already clearly written on my profile) that I was too young to play the evil step mum. He subsequently lost it with me saying that with my gummy smile (#gumsforday was the actual hashtag he used) it was no wonder I was still single. Talk about being a sore loser!

The thing I find is that people often want to make you feel guilty for having strong opinions whether it is about charitable giving or dating baby daddies. The thing is I don’t hate little people (well, maybe some of them!) and I have friends with children who I totally love for their cuddles (and the fact that I can pass them back to mummy when they start crying) and sure one day I might even pop out little brats of my own. But I also have the right to say I don’t want to take on the burden of somebody else’s progeny. Of course, there are those that will judge me and say I’m selfish but I’d rather that than fast forward 10 years and be dealing with a stroppy teenager reminding me they don’t have to listen to anything I say because I’m not their biological mother and such.

At the end of the day we each need to pick our battles. I’m not saying I’ll never compromise on a deal breaker ever but by now I certainly have enough experience with bad relationships and heartbreak to know that it is easier to dismiss people that don’t meet your requirements at the early stages of dating rather than trying to fit square pegs into round holes only to eventually realise it’s not going to happen. Experience has taught me that trying to ignore deal breakers and finding excuses to convince yourself that one day everything will fall into place just leads to more heartache in the long run. Before you know it you’ve lost a decade of your life to something that was at best a bit of a learning curve.

So I think it’s high time that we were all clear about what we want/don’t want out of a relationship from the get go. That way no one wastes their precious time. As much as I am repulsed at the ‘DTF’ guys I have to admit I can’t hate them because nobody can claim not to know what they were after. Of course, nobody wants to be judged or branded a bad person but can anyone truly hate on a person for being clear about they want and saving innocent people heartbreak in the long term? I think not!

Rinsers what are your thoughts on the matter. Do you think people should be more open about their deal breakers from the outset instead of wasting time dating those they are incompatible with? Do you fear being judged for having opinions that aren’t PC and don’t correlate with those of the majority? Tell us about your approach to your deal breakers in the comments below.


    • Exactly! But people hate on a person for saying it as it is!

      Even I think it’s sad when people say they’ll only date people of a certain race. There are guys on Tinder who will say WHITE GIRLS ONLY. Yes, that is racist but its also honest and it means that more open minded people/ethnic minorities, etc won’t swipe right and waste their time. So actually by revealing a deal breaker they are doing the world a favour.

      Secondly, there are also characteristics we can tolerate in a friend/acquaintance that we won’t in a partner. For instance, I could have a nice debate with a right wing bigot but would I want to wake up next to one for the rest of my life and have them bring up my future kids – not really. So it doesn’t make you a bad person.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I have a kid and my husband is my sons step-dad. My husband knew from the very beginning that I had a child. That’s not something anyone should hide while dating considering how important that is. He accepted it and my son completely adores him. That being said, I think you are doing the right thing. If you know that raising someone else’s kid is not for you, Bravo!!! In my experience dating someone that didn’t really want my child led to extreme amounts of resentment and hate (me hating him). And it really was just a big waste of time because he was not upfront with me from the get go. I think it’s great that you know what you want.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think knowing what you want comes with experience. At one point in my dating life I got into this mindset that time was not on my side and beggers can’t be choosers. I went on a few dates with a baby Daddy. I started to convince myself that things could work and making excuses like – oh, the Dad is always less involved because Mum has the kid during the week, etc,etc. Then he started to cancel dates because Baby Mumma was asking for this and that. I soon realised I couldn’t deal with the drama and always being second best. Yes, maybe I’m high maintenance – but it comes from being an only child. Anyway that ended pretty quickly but it certainly taught me what I didn’t want.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post (of course partially I just like you’re listening to me 😉). In all seriousness I do think that deal breakers, especially the ones you have experience with, should be non-negotiable. In my dating days I also had bad experiences with people attacking me for the deal breakers or lack of interest after an initial conversation. I have a number of examples too. This guy who spoke to me saying that he likes to go to church in his free time even though I stated I’m an atheist on my profile and that it matters to me who subsequently rage at me for dismissing him for loving god. This other guy who said I’m stupid to say I judge people on whether or not they like Star Wars. Last but not least, the guy with whom the conversation wasn’t flowing (an hour long or so) and who I stopped replying to. He started to call me (!) and I ignored the call. When he asked me why I went quiet I said that the conversation wasn’t going well and I don’t want us to waste time. He proceeded to telling me I’m FUCKING RUDE and I’ll never find a man being such a princess and also I should be aware of the ration of men to women in Cape Town is 1 to 7 and not the other way round so I should be grateful for any attention I get! Nice, huh? So, yeah, don’t live by fear, live by what’s important to you and you’ll find what you’re looking for. And to this douchebag: I met my husband a week later!!! Who’s FUCKING looking silly now?

    Liked by 1 person

    • The worse thing is that they treat you like you are a bad person just because you have rules/standards for yourself. I don’t think other people shouldn’t date Baby Daddies, I just don’t feel like I could do it! When it comes to religious people I can tolerate them as friends. I might even go visit the church/synagogue/mosque with them out of curiousity. But at the end of the day, if/when my religious friends get too much it’s easy enough to escape them. With a partner things the standards are different. These guys just don’t seem to understand that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • People don’t like people with standards rules… It applies to everything. Trying to be on a sugar-free diet? Someone will criticize you for that. Want to sty sober to go for a run? Your evil friends will want you to get as hammered as you are 😉 People respond with agression to things that trigger their sense of inferiority or to things they’d secretely want to do but are to wek to follow up with. Especially with the religious folk they think you think you’re better and smarter than them (and maybe you do? ;)) so they react with agression. Having said that, hostile reactions should not prevent you from putting the way you feel out there.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My thoughts are the reason people try to hide their deal breakers is because we are all pretty desperate for love. When we find someone who is equally interested in the whole being in a relationship we tell ourselves that this factor is enough and we can make it work no matter what. It’s almost as if we are more interested in the idea of being in a relationship than the actual person themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

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