Corona Creeps and How To Handle Them

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It’s been a long time since I wrote my last fear-mongering post at the beginning of lockdown, five months in fact. And to be honest, it hasn’t been all that bad. I mean sure, things were a bit touch and go there with prohibition. But if you’ve managed to hold down a job, maintain a handful of friendships, keep a dog and a few plants alive and not contract COVID, then I guess you can’t really complain. Also to be fair, Cape Town isn’t the worst place to see out a pandemic.

That said, not everyone’s experience of lockdown has been so joyous (I’m sorry, you didn’t ADOPT an Instagram star of a pup but that’s your bad!) which leads me onto the subject of today’s post: Corona Creeps and How To Handle Them. Let’s start with the basics.

Who are they? What Do They Want?

Well, let me start by saying that the term Corona Creep hasn’t quite made it into the Urban Dictionary just yet (yes, I did check). Even though it legit should be everyday vocabulary, for now it seems like this term only exists in my small mind. Anyway, Corona Creeps are basically people from your past that suddenly start crawling out of the woodwork during a global pandemic. Perhaps, it’s someone you went on one date with, someone you took for a ride back in the day when you still had game or an elderly troll who had the audacity to daughter zone your sexy ass so many moons ago. Although in most instances, it’s likely to be someone that you’d completely forgotten existed in the worst cases it could be an ex or someone you still hold a torch for. That’s where things have the greatest potential of becoming dangerous. Anyhow, these people exist. They live among us. And if you haven’t encountered one already, it is only a matter of time before you do (especially with lockdown rules easing!). So, you’ll need to know how to handle them and here are my ‘expert tips’.

1. Don’t Be One Yourself

First things first. As I said in my previous post, corona time is not a good time to be single. Sure, zoom did the trick for a bit and allowed us to connect with friends and family all over the world but it’s really not quite the same as having someone to keep you warm at night.

No doubt there are many people who feel overwhelmed by isolation. And loneliness can make us do the strangest of things, I’m sure. But keep it classy, don’t start messaging every Tinder contact in your phonebook to see if anyone is still single. It won’t end well and people will just pity you (and write rude blog posts about your sad sad situation!).

And before you think this is me, just being a hater of men. I’m not. Corona Creeps can take on many forms. I chatted to one OAP friend of mine who disclosed that the prospect of her imminent COVID related death had spurred her onto getting in touch with every one of her former lovers (well the ones that were still alive at least). Although, in this case, her corona creeping has supposedly resulted in a marriage proposal, I still wouldn’t recommend scraping the barrel, just yet.

2. Avoid Engaging With Them

Now we’ve got that out of the way. If you do find yourself the victim of such advances from a Corona Creep, my best advice would be to avoid engaging with them. Naturally, in this time of boredom, you may simply be curious to connect with a blast from the past but really consider whether this walk down memory lane is going to be worth it.

In the best cases, you might learn that the guy your friend described as a PEACH all those years ago has just returned from China and after half a decade still has fond memories about your eating preferences (yes, its apparently reasonable to date a person simply for being vegetarian). But in more complicated cases, boredom and the general need for human contact could lead to convenient sexcapades that are probably best left in the past.

So, think carefully about whether it’s worth engaging with this person or better to let sleeping dogs lie and focus on doing something more positive with your life.

3. Play Nice

If for whatever reason, you’ve chosen to ignore my previous piece of advice then play nice. Of course, when some sociopath that spent an eternity telling you that you were morbidly obese spins you a sob story, it’s only natural to want to shout: ‘That’s Karma, Biatch!’. But don’t. Keep it classy and take the high road. If you can’t find it in your heart to utter some insincere words of sympathy for the dude’s plight, then just keep those thoughts to yourself (or bitch and moan to your friends – it’ll give them something to LOL about).

Remember that everyone (even sociopaths) could be going through a hard time right now and while it is in no way your responsibility to sort out the world’s problems, it’s probably best not to do any more damage. Be reasonable, if a fairly harmless good value lad politely suggests you go away for the weekend and it seems a bit much seeing as you haven’t even crossed paths for over 6 months, maybe suggest something a little more low-key – a short walk on the Sea Point Promenade should do the trick?

4. Don’t Let Your Carnal Instincts (or Loneliness) Drive You To Do Something You’ll Live To Regret

Even if you haven’t stooped so low as to become a Corona Creep yourself (yet), this doesn’t take away from the fact that this is an especially hard time for single people. As humans, we all have needs that need to be fulfilled. Sure, you can turn to porn, sex toys or even a bit of DIY with the old hand but sometimes it’s one just feels the need to give in to a bit wham bam thank you m’am/man! I’m not one to judge (who am I kidding), casual sex has its place (in the pre-corona past) but maybe right now isn’t the best time to engage in a bit of no-strings-attached fun. I mean not only is everyone just a little more emotional right now but there is also the risk of COVID to factor in. Sure, you could live with yourself if you caught it from your future husband but imagine struggling to breathe and knowing that your friend with benefits was to blame. Hardly seems worth it, right?

5. Or Do Just Wear A Face Mask 

Agh, who am I to tell you how to conduct your sex life? If this pandemic has taught us one thing, life is short so enjoy it. If for you, that means lots and lots of glorious sex, so be it. I mean we are all responsible adults and as long as you are OK with the COVID protocols of your sexual partners and vice versa, then its all good I guess. Just do yourself a favour and use protection. And we are not talking just the regular kind of protection (I think the world has already resigned itself to a post-lockdown baby boom) but face-mask protection during sex is also a thing now. So good luck with that!

The dating/relationship/basic human interaction game isn’t easy at the best of times, throw in a contagious disease into the mix and watch the world lose its mind completely. It’s a treacherous time in our history so be sure to handle the Corona Creeps wisely. And whatever you do remember to be safe, keep it classy and stay COVID free.

Rinsers, can you relate? Have any parasites (or happy memories) from the past suddenly resurfaced during this lockdown period? How have you responded? Are you disgusted or pleasantly surprised? On the flip side, has the pandemic made you reassess your romantic prospects at all? Are you tempted to reach out to any lost loves yourself? Share your stories and perspectives in the comment section below.